I believe there is power in honesty and the way God redeems fear and and His sovereign process of healing a broken heart.
This is my journal entry from 6 days after Anna passed.
"This week I've heard some of the emptiest words I have ever heard and some of the most meaningful words. I've learned that most of the time, it speaks a lot to just be with someone. To listen and to just be. God, I'm scared of you. I don't want to talk to you if I'm being honest. You took my best friend. I know you have a greater plan and I know you're good but death doesn't make sense. Why couldn't you do what your plan is with her here? You have all this power so why did she have to die? I'm angry God, I'm hurt. I don't understand why. This is a part of my story now. I don't feel like I can ask you for anything because ultimately I don't believe that you will give it. God, I know she was ready for Heaven but that doesn't change how hard this is. God I don't trust you but I want to."
I wrestled with this for a couple weeks scared to face God, really to face my feelings. BUT THE LORD. So many times in scripture it lays out a broken circumstance and the words that follow are "but the LORD." He wrecked my heart for Him again. He showed me that I can wrestle with a hard question pointing my finger at the sky in disappointment for the rest of my life without an answer or I could take another step of faith in the Jesus who died for my heart to be united with God's. That it was God's son, Jesus, who gave me the affirmation that I will see Anna again. Even when I was walking around God instead of running to Him, deep inside I still believed He was good. How could He be less than good if I truly believe Anna is living her best life, her TRUE LIFE in eternity with our Savior and Father? The God of the universe said to Anna "well done, my good and faithful servant." That actually happened. That realization: me envious?
God's grace through this has been extravagant, pursuing my heart to trust Him. I remember one day I sat outside and God showed me that I was trying to muster up the courage to trust Him on my own and it wasn't working. My favorite Francis Chan quote (biiiig Francis Chan girl) is "I need God's help to love God." All along, God was hoping and waiting for me to just ask Him for help and to stop trying to work it out on my own. He wanted me as I was, lack of trust, hopelessness and all. He wanted my heart. After this, I prayed fervently and honestly to God to meet me where I am and change my heart to learn to trust Him and love Him more through this because I knew I couldn't do it without Him. He did. I can't explain it. I got tired of trying to do it without Him, and honestly I just missed Him.
Something that changed the game for me: Jesus wept. Before losing Anna, these words honestly didn't mean that much to me. Read John 11:1-44. Jesus's friend Lazarus had died, but Jesus had planned all along to raise him from the dead. His sisters, Mary and Martha, didn't know this yet. John says "When Jesus saw her [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his sprit and greatly troubled." So Jesus, knowing he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, was deeply moved and greatly troubled watching people he loved weep and mourn over their friend. Verse 35: Jesus wept. Not over his friends death because he knew the glory planned for Lazarus, but Jesus wept for the people he loved weeping. Jesus wants to weep with me. Jesus does weep with me. The God of the universe is eager to comfort me, to listen to me, and to give to me.
Anna lived out the Gospel every second. Jesus changed Anna for eternity. Anna loved people BIG, and didn't hold back. Anna included and pursued everyone, it didn't matter who. She had more than 50 people at her house for Prom because she wanted everyone to just be in one group and not one person left out. Anna decided to have a New Years Eve party the afternoon of, and bought an entire shrimp platter. Anna went to our friends gym meet and JSL the day after knee surgery for her ACL. One time I fell right on her knee post op and she tried so hard to tell me it was fine while tearing up. Me not knowing how to handle myself, tears just started streaming down my face because I was like "Ahhhh". (Maybe it is funnier if you were there). Anna made choreographed dances in her free time. Like good ones that she put effort into. Anna was treasurer of the National Hispanic Honor Society and took so much pride and pleasure in speaking Spanish. Anna spent and entire Saturday making a music video to "Me Too" by Meghan Trainer. The only coffee Anna drank was a mocha that was way too sweet or iced vanilla latte. One time I sat with Anna in the big chairs at The Foundry (if you know, you know + we spent many hours together here) and told her some of the deepest pieces of my life and testimony and I have never experienced the grace and empathy in someone's eyes like that before. Anna cared so deep. Anna looked straight passed my sin no matter what it was, and loved me harder. She resembles Jesus through her love. Anna was the life of the party. Everything was more fun with her around. Anna was the reason people got invited. Anna brought people together and it was her joy to reflect Jesus in that way. She could talk about Frontier for years. Anna facetime tutored me in college algebra (lol) meanwhile she was taking coding for engineering with homework of her own she should have been doing. But she took the time to help me- one time before a test she said "Good luck just try to remember everything I said" haha. Anna's dream was to go on Young Life staff. Anna knew facts about the most random things no one would or should ever know. God reflected Himself through Anna.
Some words of Anna that are my favorite:
"Drop what the world deems as acceptable and do something spectacular, love one another."
"Why does the desire to be 'cool' make people the worst?"
"Why are people so tempted to not be the best versions of themselves in order to find temporary satisfaction that being liked by cool kids provides?"
"Jesus reached out to the lowest of the low. . . I wanna be like that."
*long text about the glory of God* "So cool that a God like that loves us!"
"The Lord has told us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, so why do so many people settle with being mediocre?"
"I'm not sure if I'll show Jesus to 10 people this year, I'm not even sure if I'll show him to one, but I will keep on making the Lord's name great because that is what I have been called to."
Sweet Anna, you showed Jesus to everyone you met. You still show me Jesus. I have so much to learn from your life.