Today, I am oh so aware of my brokenness. I can't help but to feel for the families, friends, acquaintances of those so young that were lost in the recent weeks of my home town. There is just so much despair and heartache to be felt in situations as this. No one has the answers to why people are robbed of their life unexpectedly, but if I know one thing to be true, it's that God can and will bring light out of the dark and He is good.
My senior year of high school, we experienced confusing deaths that just couldn't be fathomed, similar to now in the air of utter shock and hopelessness. Today, I am especially reminded of that brokenness I felt last year. I had the greatest math teacher in the world for two years. And yes, she taught well and did everything she could to help her students succeed including opening up her own home the weekend before the end of a grading period for students to come and try to salvage their grade. But even that, isn't what marked her impact on most. She cared about each individual that walked into her classroom, genuinely cared about their well-being and their heart. I can remember a time that I went to her during lunch to make up a quiz, and I never even scribbled my name on the paper, because we were so engaged in conversation. Conversation about life. Conversation that mattered. She asked me simple questions about home-life, and with each response I offered, she rebutted with another question and another. She wanted to know me, she listened and cared and felt what I felt when we talked about things I had never even really admitted to myself.
Fast forward about a year to senior year. One afternoon before heading home for the day, I went by her room just to chat and ended up trying to scheme up a plan for me to drop my current math teacher, and get her for a third year, instead. It was only a short couple of days later that she passed away. I will never forget waking up to a call from a friend around 11:00 p.m. and being confused as to why she was calling me that late to begin with. "Did Mrs. Jones die?!" I could sense the frantic tone in her voice. I cannot even describe the level of disbelief that I was in. I literally did not believe it at all and just assumed that she had misinterpreted a poorly worded social media post until I looked for myself. There it was. Confirmation. Posts all incorporating "R.I.P." completely took over my twitter feed. Still, I couldn't believe that something like that could happen. Not to Debbie. There was just no way, she was perfectly healthy as far as I knew. I called her son's best friend searching for some sort of denial, and after getting voicemail a few times, his girlfriend answered and I could hear the truth and the confirmation in her greeting, immediately. All I said was "Is it true?" and she answered and that's when I just lost it. The more I thought about her children, family, and every person she encountered, the more I wept until I physically just couldn't anymore.
There were grief counselors the next day at school, allowing every student the opportunity to leave class and go talk to someone, to cry and process without being bothered. That's how big her impact was on Robert E. Lee. I had an extremely difficult time facing God, in the midst of all of this, because I just didn't get it. I think that somewhere along the numbness that I tried to hide in, He met me there. He told me that I didn't have to understand, I just had to trust. I just had to hope. I just had to accept and embrace the comfort He had been continuously offering, that I was rejecting and avoiding. Almost subconsciously, I was frustrated with God which only led me to feeling guilty for doubting His goodness and doubting His faithfulness. He was near the entire time, if I would have been willing to listen. I traded my unanswered questions and my numbness, for unexplainable peace and the healing that follows feeling. This is one of the most distinct times in my life thus far that I felt tangible love from a seemingly intangible God.
My hope and my prayer is that the people suffering these tragic losses back in Tyler right now and for a long time to come, would find refuge in the Lord and hold fast to His truth.
"But he [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10